Oh hai there blog.

I suck at blogging.

Sorry.

Anyway, summer is droning on, it's hot as hell outside (I hate that I can actually use this term literally as it's so nasty outside), but the nice part is that my little booby-face is growing!

We're 9 months now, and my birthday recently past, putting me at 23! Not much to talk about, not much to complain about, I should really say. Student teaching starts in a mere month and a half, and am I looking forward to it? Absolutely not. Bratty kids and teachers who use the effort of young wannabe teachers is not my idea of a fun day. I thought I would have weaned LO by 1 year old, but apparently, if you don't do it yourself, your baby doesn't want to either!!! (Well at least, mine doesn't).

I don't know what I'm gonna do, I can't go back to pumping sessions at the school I'll be at because that's primarily what caused tension last time, and even though it is technically illegal to tell me that I can't pump at work, they can just make my life difficult, which they did the first time around.

The positive part is that at least he's starting to eat more solids now and so maybe he'll wean himself as I'll be away most of the day (which breaks my heart, because I can barely go three hours without him). As much of a pain as it is, I actually like breastfeeding. It makes me special from daddy or grandma, it's something he can only do with me, even if it is at 4am.

So that's going to be an annoying 3 months. I think after that's done though, I really want to get yoga certified. Teaching children and abiding by the bureaucracy that is NY schools, preparing so much work just to get criticized and potentially facing lay-offs all the time is not really my slice of pie. Instead, I'd like to work on myself with yoga, and teach some classes, if someone will take me once I do get certified. It makes me feel good and I like it. Once again this puts me as black sheep of the family because a yoga teacher isn't exactly my parents' idea of a great profession, but maybe I'll make a business of it, who knows? Open up a beautiful studio....a girl can dream, right?

I'm Sorry!

I've totally abandoned you, blog, and all 5 of my followers, who I'm sure don't read this!!

It's been a lonnnnnggggg couple of months. In and out of doctors' offices, being up all night, eating junk to stay semi-functioning, a pile-up of Starbucks' cups to stay awake, and almost getting kicked out of school.

Huh, what?

Yes. I thought I'd be able to handle everything, but in addition to the already-rocky-from-the-start-marriage that I have, I've had to deal with getting up at 5 am, getting home at 5pm and functioning as an adult, mother, wife and student all day. That's too much multi-tasking for me!

The semester started out not too bad, but as the days went on, I started to fall asleep on the road. Daily. With the baby in the car. That's bad.

I'm not going into the details of my student teaching. I'm going to have to redo it anyway thanks to the asshole principal, who I will get my revenge on...even if it is in a few years. By revenge, I mean laugh in his face when I will become better than him, which isn't hard.

So....I'm going to try and get my life back in some kind of line. Maybe not a straight one. Maybe it'll be zig-zag, or squiggly, but it'll be better than it was before. I got pretty blond highlights. I spend time with my beautiful, amazing baby boy, who is hilarious and has a personality. I can try and take care of his horrible eczema that's consuming his whole life. I can cook and be more of a wife than I had been these past few months. Maybe salvage whatever is left of this marriage. Get my official name change (for my son, which I finally got my H to do after months of...getting on his case?).

The new name, you ask???? Ilan Levi P. (leaving the last name out for security purposes). Ilan because I just like that name, and H didn't want Levi for the first name, which I love, which was my grandfather's name. At least I got it in the middle name!!! It's better than it was before, which I don't even want to share because I just hated that name so much.

It's 10pm, and my H is a liar!! :( I'm gonna have an Oreo. Rather, a Joe-Joe (the Trader Joe's, all-natural brand of Oreos).

At My Mom's.

Watching Teen Mom 2, which is apparently really awesome and relatable! Even though I'm not a teen mom, I can really feel a lot of the issues the girls deal with.

Anyway, we're moving in a few days, which means I get to hang out in my mom's house for a while until we get settled in because H and I really don't want DS to be around all the stuff and paint and etc. I'm excited but at the same time, it might be a pain in the butt to be in a 2nd floor walk-up as opposed to a townhouse. Hopefully we'll only be here for a year like H is promising. He thinks we'll be able to move into the house in a year, but I really don't want to set my heart on it, because when we moved into the townhouse we were only supposed to be there for a year, and it ended up being a year and a half, plus the year that we're spending in this upcoming 2 bedroom.

DS's rash is really horrible and I feel so terrible that I don't know what's causing it. I don't know what I can do to fix it. It's spreading around his arms and not even the steroid cream is helping. I really hope it's not my breastmilk, I would hate to have to switch to soy formula like my mom did with me when I was around 8 months old. Even then, there's a big difference. DS is only coming up on 4 months. I really need him to be on breastmilk for a while longer. However, I don't want it to be the cause of his rashes. I've stopped drinking milk, even though it's the only craving that has continued since I was pregnant. I've switched to lactose-free milk. Maybe my constant need to chocolate has something to do with it? Maybe it's the granola bars? I really didn't think that my diet could that severely affect him! There's not much I can eat these days, especially being winter and none of the good yummy fruits are available. Especially since I'm always on the run.

Thankfully I might be able to get a little bit more sleep tonight and tomorrow since I won't have to commute back and forth so much. I'm thinking I need to run up to the deli tomorrow and finally get that chicken caesar wrap I've been wanting for the past week but never had the time to get! That and a nice chai latte with soy milk from Starbucks. That should hopefully keep me awake for some of the day!

I want to start posting about so much background information, but honestly don't even know where to begin. The situation with H isn't the best, and always wavers from really great, to really horrible. This isn't gonna be the day to start though. DS is waking, so...off I go

Bite me: Student Teaching.

So. I started student teaching this week. It's interesting, but at the same time, really depressing.

I have to get up at 5:30am, to get to my mom's by 6:30, to get back to the school where I am by 7:45ish. I get out around 2:40, get to my mom's around 3:20 and after I finish pumping there, I get home around 5ish. RIDICULOUS.

By the time I get home, I'm exhausted and miss DS so much that I just want to sit with him all night! Unfortunately, H, who is sometimes forgiving, but sometimes also doesn't understand what I'm going through got angry that I had nothing to give him for lunch this morning. Apparently, since I was "home from 6pm, and was up until around 12am (not my choice), I should have been able to make him something".

Whatev.

Now apparently, we're moving. We live in a complex, and H has made the decision to sign a lease for a 2 bedroom, on the second floor of a walk-up, when I've already told him I don't want to live there. Oh, and the cherry on top? We have to move by the 9th. Of February. Isn't that a treat?

DS's eczema keeps coming back, but I think we've finally found the cause: my eating dairy. And we seem to have found a cure for the dry patchy skin: coconut oil!! Within 2 days, his rough forehead has indeed become, baby soft!!

I'm boring.

Sunday....sundae?

Ugh, well now that I typed that title, I feel like making an ice cream sundae...I don't have any of the ingredients, so that might not be happening.

Mmm, ice cream, whipped cream, fudge, maraschino cherries, peanuts, bananas....now I really want one, damnit.

So it's Sunday, the end of another monotonous week. My marshmallow is taking a nap, which he's been getting better about doing, maybe since his rash has gone away! I can't imagine what I'm going to do next week when I'll have to be leaving him EVERY DAY to student teach. Misery.

I feel like this blog is extremely boring. What can I do to spice it up? I can't just type about my boring life all the time, I'm sure it's not of interest to, well, anyone. I'm not even interested when I re-read my posts.

I'm gonna make a shout out to Nadine here, if she reads this - when you make a post, see the tabs at the top? Click on Monetize and active Adsense, and create an account, we'll be rolling in pennies soon enough! Apparently though, you can't click on your own ads, which upset me, because I planned to just do that 30 times a day. You wanna click on each other's? I'm up for it.

More later.

Success?

This is the second nap of the day I have put LO down for that he has fallen asleep on his own!! This is awesome success for us, because usually he nurses to sleep, but he doesn't seem to want to do that all the time anymore!

I recently bought him the blankey/bear toy thing - you know, the bear head and blanket attached? When I was pregnant, I thought "Who the hell would buy this for their kid?", but was reassured by my friend Alison who has it for her daughter. Lo and behold, he has taken to this toy like no other! He smiles whenever he sees it, and I've realized that it's been next to him both times he's fallen asleep! I'm guessing this is his security blanket now, so I'll have to make sure to bring it everywhere we go now (which is mostly just my mom's house)

I refuse to let MIL babysit because it's just an accident waiting to happen. Not to mention our relationship isn't the best. Maybe when he's older and can walk and eat on his own and will be able to tell her "No I don't want this!" or will be able to tell me "Grandma gave me this!", I'll feel a little better.

The only reason I actually even leave LO with my mom is that I know I can yell at her and tell her I want things done my way, I can't be so sure with MIL because she has the tendency to do things her own way, regardless.

I don't know why I'm sitting and posting right now, if LO is sleeping I could be doing something productive like, cleaning. Ugh, I loathe it. Can't it clean itself by now? H has left the house as I kind of kicked him out and then tried to make him feel bad about it, but whatever, it's his loss. He acts like he's punishing me, he's only punishing himself; he doesn't see LO that much as it is, he could have at least hung out with him so I could get something done, but whatever, it's just another sign for me that I should be able to do things for myself and not expect stuff from him. I'm not too upset, I'm so used to being alone it's scary, I can't really deal with him in my face all day, although ideally, I'd love to.

...More later, off to clean the bathroom.

Poor Marshmallow...

So, I'm not sure why I keep checking my posts for comments...I'm insecure!

Anyway, went to the pediatrician's yesterday with my cutie pie and it turns out the rash on his cheeks and the redness on his neck is baby eczema which really upset me. He referred me to a pedi. dermatologist and wrote out a weak steroid cream, which my parents told me not to fill, so I haven't as of yet. It seems to be going away on its own, but the doctor explained that there's something he's sensitive to - could be milk, so I just cut that out of my diet. I thought he would be gassy from milk, but thankfully he never really had bad colic, just crankiness. Never did I think that it could manifest in a rash!! I guess I should know better because I had skin allergies as a baby as well and H has had asthma since he was a kid. My mom bought some organic cream that it supposed to really help eczema and dryness, because LO has a lot of dryness on his legs and on his left arm. I wrote it off to "winter" and thought it would go away eventually, but it's not, even though I've been using Aquaphor everyday.

It also could be from my stupid self using the same blanket he uses outside under his head when he had a cold to elevate him a little bit. It helped him breathe, but caused this rash. I feel so guilty when my baby is in pain, I just wish I could make it all BETTER! He's sleeping off the last three nights today though, which I'm glad about because I've been getting up with him every other hour at night and it was killing me.

After H left to work this morning I took LO into my bed and hugged him and we slept another two hours together :)

I'm not looking forward to this weekend, at all because it's getting closer to student teaching, and I'm dreading it. How the crap am I going to leave my DS all day, every day? Props to you working mommies, I don't know HOW you do it. I have to deal with the crap from my mom now saying, "Oh you need to let him cry a little, he's too sensitive because he knows you'll be there the second he opens his mouth", "Oh I don't know what to do, he wakes up every time the phone rings"

...My solutions? Make the house phone ring tone lower. And give him more attention! I'm pretty sure her idea of attention is carrying him around on her shoulder until he passes out. I can't really imagine her really playing with him the way I do, although she does love him, and she does help me a lot.

Makes you really think, how much our mothers gave up for us to raise us. You really do only realize it once you're in the same shoes.

And now, nap? Or clean? Nap? Or clean? I think nap, although he has some mommy-relaxation radar and can detect the minute I close my eyes as that is the minute he opens his mouth and starts to cry...